I don't want to die. Gail doesn't want to die. I don't want Gail to die. Not now.
Fact: I am going to die. Gail is going to die. Some day.
I don't think about this a lot. But, that changed on July 23 when we ended up in the emergency room, and through a series of tests (CAT scan, MRI, etc.) we were told Gail has a brain tumor. After the numbing jolt to our very being- body, mind, soul, spirit- that thought consumed us for the weekend: dying.
As I wrote in my last post, things have changed since our July 23 ER visit (being told this mass is very likely a malignant tumor and inoperable due to its location) to our subsequent visits to a new neurosurgeon.
In the two visits, and with some further tests (ophthamologist and endocrine tests), he has consulted 3 other neurosurgeons and his neuroradiology team. They all believe this: that this "mass" in Gail's skull is not malignant, that it has likely been there for quite some time, and that the best course is to monitor this closely. The next step: a follow-up MRI in October to see if there has been any change (he tends to think there will not be a change). If there is no change, then there will be MRI's at 6-month intervals for a year.
Of course, if there are any symptoms that would indicate some possible changes, we would meet with Gail's neurosurgeon. During these past four weeks, with the exception of Gail's last day on staff with Young Life (a very painful/stressful day), she has had no symptoms. We have been grateful, and continue to pray for this to continue down this same path.
Thinking about death...
That first weekend was horrible, the weekend after the ER visit. Everything is going through your mind- the fear, terrible grief, unimaginable life without Gail, the loss of a very part of me. Each moment, each hour was pregnant with meaning.
We all know that we cannot determine when death will reach our door. I might help the odds, and even fool myself into believing that I can somehow determine the length of my life; but, I am not in control of this. I eat my share of fruit, vegetables, grains, healthy cereal and grab those 23 almonds daily for a snack. I drink enough water. A glass of red wine for my heart (and taste). I exercise regularly. And so does Gail. And we can't control the day we will die.
I know this. I know that I have lived, at age 54, longer than many in our global village. I know that far, far too many in our human family suffer and die daily due to inequities and injustice. I know I could live to be 95 or I could die tomorrow. But, I'm not ready to die nor am I ready to think about my closest friend, lover, intimate companion, and partner on this journey in life and ministry dying.
I have also pondered this, frequently, over the past 5 weeks: heaven. More specifically, a "new heaven and a new earth." Or, as N.T. Wright calls it, "life after life after death."
What has troubled me about the "heaven" thing in some religious circles is that it is the only thing that matters: you're born, sometime you believe that Jesus died for you, and then you go to heaven when you die. Period. That's it. All there is to it. And, I don't believe it- that is, this is all there is to it.
I believe, from my standpoint as a follower of Jesus and a faith in a God as Father, Son and Holy Spirit, that this life matters. Life now. Life that is robust with meaning ("eternal life"). Joy and beauty and wholeness. And, living in such a way that loves and cares about the marginalized and the "least of these." Living life to the fullest and seeking justice where it is absent. Seeking even to love one's enemies. This new realm, this new reign, this new "Kingdom" that has broken into our world...NOW.
I believe that. I want to live my life aligned with that truth.
And...I believe in life after my life has ended in its current state. That there will truly be a new heaven and new earth (whatever that will look like) that will not be this huge dichotomy between the physical and spiritual being.
I have thought much more about this in the past 5 weeks. It's not an either/or: this life or life after death. This is where history is headed, where God will redeem and restore and bring all things to completion. That gives me great hope even as I walk through life on this earth. Another one of those both/and deals.
While I'm not ready for that today, I know that much more awaits me, and Gail. It will be the fullness, completeness and perfection of the Kingdom of God that we are already beginning to experience now.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
Our personal world turned upside down
I am crying a lot these days. We, Gail and I, have shed a ton of tears.
Two huge happenings in our lives.
Today is Gail's (my wife) last day on staff with Young Life. That may not sound so startling; people change jobs/ministry quite a bit. This is different than a more typical job change. Gail has served almost 32 years in this ministry, the past 10 as one of the senior vice presidents for field ministry.
So, this is a time of grief. Loss. Deep grief. I can't begin to describe what it has felt like over the past several weeks, and I certainly can't fully understand what it feels like for Gail.
I do want to say this: I am totally proud of Gail in the way she has led and leads, in the way she empowers others to most fully use their gifts, for the tremendous impact she has had on kids and Young Life, and her powerful relational style-full of love-she exercises with her staff.
She will be used in significant ways in the next steps of her life. (Gail would be embarrassed for me to write these things.)
But, it is still grief. And, then, more grief, coupled with shock...
A week ago yesterday, we ended up in the emergency room after Gail was experiencing some headaches and some other symptoms. The shorter story: after a battery of tests, and several MRI's, and waiting hours for the physicians to report back...
...a radiologist and then neurosurgeon come into our room and say that they've spotted a brain tumor. Brain tumor. Do you know what that sounds like when you hear it? Brain tumor. I can still see the look in Gail's face, and feel the numbness that ran through my body. Surreal.
Not only that- he said that he is pretty sure it is a malignant tumor, is in a position deep in Gail's brain, and is likely inoperable. He said that a biopsy is what he would recommend and then we would know for sure. Not only were we in shock, terrified, and numb, but we felt little hope. We wept in each others' arms. Then, that night, and in the days that followed.
For a number of reasons, we decided that we were getting a second opinion and that next day, Friday, we searched high and low for any connections with a reputable neurosurgeon.
It's a longer story, and maybe I'll write more about it at some point, but we got a call out of the blue late Friday afternoon from a top neurosurgeon in the Northwest. A gift. He said his brother called, after hearing about Gail's situation from a prayer network in the Northwest, and wondered if he might call us. I could tell immediately this was a brillant neurosurgeon, confident, resourceful, and had compassion. I cried. An angel? (One friend said, "I think it was Jesus calling!")
We were put in touch with an amazing, exceptional neurosurgeon here in Denver who has been marvelous. After looking at the MRI, and consulting with others, he has said it is tricky, uncertain if it is malignant or benign, and is pursuing various tests to help diagnose this mass.
It may be malignant or benign. It may be operable or inoperable, or partially removable. It may or may not need to be removed. We are waiting.
We have been given so much more hope, even with the uncertainty facing us. We are so grateful for competent, compassionate medical professionals.
And, we are so grateful for the flood of emails, calls and cards (and other expresssions of love) from people coast to coast. We are empowered by the prayers of thousands (one friend has kicked in a network of prayer in West Africa where he said there are 1,000 people each hour praying for us!). We do not take this lightly. This prayer for healing and for us as a family.
So we wait. We plead for healing. I know God wants us to pray what is on our heart and mind.
Our world has been rocked. But, I know we have the Rock and Refuge, and as one in our new church has said, "We will be your rock!"
That has been taking place and we are blown away by the love of others and people who are praying fervently. As we wait, and find our hope in God, I'm so thankful for this.
Two huge happenings in our lives.
Today is Gail's (my wife) last day on staff with Young Life. That may not sound so startling; people change jobs/ministry quite a bit. This is different than a more typical job change. Gail has served almost 32 years in this ministry, the past 10 as one of the senior vice presidents for field ministry.
So, this is a time of grief. Loss. Deep grief. I can't begin to describe what it has felt like over the past several weeks, and I certainly can't fully understand what it feels like for Gail.
I do want to say this: I am totally proud of Gail in the way she has led and leads, in the way she empowers others to most fully use their gifts, for the tremendous impact she has had on kids and Young Life, and her powerful relational style-full of love-she exercises with her staff.
She will be used in significant ways in the next steps of her life. (Gail would be embarrassed for me to write these things.)
But, it is still grief. And, then, more grief, coupled with shock...
A week ago yesterday, we ended up in the emergency room after Gail was experiencing some headaches and some other symptoms. The shorter story: after a battery of tests, and several MRI's, and waiting hours for the physicians to report back...
...a radiologist and then neurosurgeon come into our room and say that they've spotted a brain tumor. Brain tumor. Do you know what that sounds like when you hear it? Brain tumor. I can still see the look in Gail's face, and feel the numbness that ran through my body. Surreal.
Not only that- he said that he is pretty sure it is a malignant tumor, is in a position deep in Gail's brain, and is likely inoperable. He said that a biopsy is what he would recommend and then we would know for sure. Not only were we in shock, terrified, and numb, but we felt little hope. We wept in each others' arms. Then, that night, and in the days that followed.
For a number of reasons, we decided that we were getting a second opinion and that next day, Friday, we searched high and low for any connections with a reputable neurosurgeon.
It's a longer story, and maybe I'll write more about it at some point, but we got a call out of the blue late Friday afternoon from a top neurosurgeon in the Northwest. A gift. He said his brother called, after hearing about Gail's situation from a prayer network in the Northwest, and wondered if he might call us. I could tell immediately this was a brillant neurosurgeon, confident, resourceful, and had compassion. I cried. An angel? (One friend said, "I think it was Jesus calling!")
We were put in touch with an amazing, exceptional neurosurgeon here in Denver who has been marvelous. After looking at the MRI, and consulting with others, he has said it is tricky, uncertain if it is malignant or benign, and is pursuing various tests to help diagnose this mass.
It may be malignant or benign. It may be operable or inoperable, or partially removable. It may or may not need to be removed. We are waiting.
We have been given so much more hope, even with the uncertainty facing us. We are so grateful for competent, compassionate medical professionals.
And, we are so grateful for the flood of emails, calls and cards (and other expresssions of love) from people coast to coast. We are empowered by the prayers of thousands (one friend has kicked in a network of prayer in West Africa where he said there are 1,000 people each hour praying for us!). We do not take this lightly. This prayer for healing and for us as a family.
So we wait. We plead for healing. I know God wants us to pray what is on our heart and mind.
Our world has been rocked. But, I know we have the Rock and Refuge, and as one in our new church has said, "We will be your rock!"
That has been taking place and we are blown away by the love of others and people who are praying fervently. As we wait, and find our hope in God, I'm so thankful for this.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I don't want a "Christian" America
I'm not looking for a "Christian" nation. That's not my hope as I live in this country.
And, if I lived in Iran, I would not want a "Muslim" nation.
In other words, I would not want to live in a theocracy. The recent protests in Iran, after the most recent Presidential election, has brought this to the table more forcefully. The Supreme Leader, in that setting, is powerful with regard to politics and the direction of the nation.
Many in America find this theocratic rule, in Iran, to be unsettling. It creates anger in many. I wonder: would Christians in this country be equally upset if we had a theocracy here if it were Christian? I'm not so sure what the reaction would be. "Perhaps it would be ok as long as it were Christian," some might think.
Not me. For, neither did God intend this to be the case (nation states run theocratically), nor do I believe it to be good or what is best for nation states or governance. God did not intend for Christians to take over a country, rule it, and then impose that faith on others (the Constantinian error, i.e. Constantine becomes Emperor in 303AD and makes Christianity the "officical" religion of Rome). Faith in and relationship with God is always voluntary. We live with pluralism of not just socio-economic, ethnic, and racial dimensions but of religion, as well, in our nation states. We seek to respect those differences, live side-by-side, and work for the common good.
But, we do not impose religion on others- Islam, Christianity or any other faith.
So, I don't want a "Christian" nation. Besides that, it's a myth- that notion. I want to live in friendship and with respect for my neighbors and fellow citizens regardless of their religious beliefs.
And, what I really want is for the church to be the church. To live as faithful communities within this nation (or any nation), seeking to follow Jesus as counter-cultural communities. We don't impose; we invite. We don't coerce others with morality; we endeavor to live what we believe is moral and true.
Forward as groups of "resident aliens."
And, if I lived in Iran, I would not want a "Muslim" nation.
In other words, I would not want to live in a theocracy. The recent protests in Iran, after the most recent Presidential election, has brought this to the table more forcefully. The Supreme Leader, in that setting, is powerful with regard to politics and the direction of the nation.
Many in America find this theocratic rule, in Iran, to be unsettling. It creates anger in many. I wonder: would Christians in this country be equally upset if we had a theocracy here if it were Christian? I'm not so sure what the reaction would be. "Perhaps it would be ok as long as it were Christian," some might think.
Not me. For, neither did God intend this to be the case (nation states run theocratically), nor do I believe it to be good or what is best for nation states or governance. God did not intend for Christians to take over a country, rule it, and then impose that faith on others (the Constantinian error, i.e. Constantine becomes Emperor in 303AD and makes Christianity the "officical" religion of Rome). Faith in and relationship with God is always voluntary. We live with pluralism of not just socio-economic, ethnic, and racial dimensions but of religion, as well, in our nation states. We seek to respect those differences, live side-by-side, and work for the common good.
But, we do not impose religion on others- Islam, Christianity or any other faith.
So, I don't want a "Christian" nation. Besides that, it's a myth- that notion. I want to live in friendship and with respect for my neighbors and fellow citizens regardless of their religious beliefs.
And, what I really want is for the church to be the church. To live as faithful communities within this nation (or any nation), seeking to follow Jesus as counter-cultural communities. We don't impose; we invite. We don't coerce others with morality; we endeavor to live what we believe is moral and true.
Forward as groups of "resident aliens."
Friday, July 10, 2009
Shane Claiborne, Greg Boyd, Jim Wallis and Mennonites
We just returned from a week at the biannual Mennonite Convention of Mennonite Church USA. If you were in a Mennonite church in the past 20 years, and attended the youth convention (coincides with the adult gathering), you know what it's like- about 5,000 high school kids with speakers like Tony Campolo, Mike Yaconelli, Yolanda King, etc.
If you are not in a Mennonite church or know nothing much about Mennonites you might go, "So...?" Or, "What's the big deal?" Or, "Sounds like a happenin' time!"
Speakers for the worship sessions included Shane Claiborne, Greg Boyd and Jim Wallis. You might be interested in Boyd's blog entry, "A night with Mennonites and Jim Wallis," http://www.gregboyd.org/blog/
So, here's the deal for me...we have started a new church, The Bridge, in this emerging/missional stream that has roots in an Anabaptist/Mennonite vision and spirituality, and connects to a more progressive Evangelical stream. What I heard from the speakers and the conversations with others in Columbus, Ohio only reinforced the vision for this church. Others, including Claiborne and Boyd, said, "Go after it!"
These speakers pointed to the theology and vision rooted in the Anabaptist/Mennonite tradition that intersects with what many are talking about and looking for as we begin the 21st century. Frankly, I don't know where the Mennonite Church will go- if it will be able to adapt in some of its settings to connect to this growing hunger. We'll see. I hope so.
But, I come back to Denver energized by the voices of Claiborne, Boyd and Wallis. Some great things are bubbling around the world with a renewed vision for the Kingdom of God.
Count me in!
If you are not in a Mennonite church or know nothing much about Mennonites you might go, "So...?" Or, "What's the big deal?" Or, "Sounds like a happenin' time!"
Speakers for the worship sessions included Shane Claiborne, Greg Boyd and Jim Wallis. You might be interested in Boyd's blog entry, "A night with Mennonites and Jim Wallis," http://www.gregboyd.org/blog/
So, here's the deal for me...we have started a new church, The Bridge, in this emerging/missional stream that has roots in an Anabaptist/Mennonite vision and spirituality, and connects to a more progressive Evangelical stream. What I heard from the speakers and the conversations with others in Columbus, Ohio only reinforced the vision for this church. Others, including Claiborne and Boyd, said, "Go after it!"
These speakers pointed to the theology and vision rooted in the Anabaptist/Mennonite tradition that intersects with what many are talking about and looking for as we begin the 21st century. Frankly, I don't know where the Mennonite Church will go- if it will be able to adapt in some of its settings to connect to this growing hunger. We'll see. I hope so.
But, I come back to Denver energized by the voices of Claiborne, Boyd and Wallis. Some great things are bubbling around the world with a renewed vision for the Kingdom of God.
Count me in!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Father’s Day reflections
My absence from this blog has ended…with a few reflections on Father’s Day.
Among the times we take a look backward and forward, and evaluate what is indeed important, are milestones, beginning of a new year, crises and special days. So it is with Father’s Day, for me, this year.
Perhaps it is because we have just come off a wonderful vacation that included my two children. Perhaps it is just this arbitrary day on the calendar: “Father’s Day.” But, my thoughts came around to a few of the things that matter most to me.
I have some goals and hopes and dreams that are beyond my immediate family. And, I think about those quite a bit and endeavor to live my life and use my gifts focused on some of those core values and goals. It’s part of my life each week.
But, in the old what-would-you-want-said-about-you-at-your-funeral deal, here’s what really matters: that my son and daughter can say that they respect me, that they have been a priority in my life, and they know without a shadow of doubt how much I love them; and, that Gail, my wife, can say the same thing.
What matters to me is how I live my life with integrity as a dad and husband. If that isn’t there, then the other goals and dreams lose their meaning.
On my anniversary I tend to focus more deeply on gratitude for the wife I have. On Father’s Day, I’m prompted to reflect, with gratitude, on how blessed I am with two wonderful children.
If Wade and Megan happen to read this, they might be embarrassed. Sorry…
On the recent trip we were fortunate to have had (for several reasons), I don’t hesitate to say, without question, the best part of the trip. It was the last night when we were all together before Wade, Megan and Aaron, her boyfriend, had to fly back to the U.S. We were at a hotel on the side of mountain in Southern Switzerland- Locarno. It overlooked a lake and the mountain next to it.
Instead of going out to dinner, the consensus was to buy some groceries and wine at the local store and sit out on the terrace for our meal. Good choice. Fantastic choice. For the next hours of daylight, sunset and then evening hours, we had a fabulous time enjoying the beauty, laughing, telling stories- a ton of family stories from our extended family that will get passed on, and enjoying each other.
As a dad, you couldn’t buy those things and times from me. Not for any price.
In gratitude this Father’s Day.
Among the times we take a look backward and forward, and evaluate what is indeed important, are milestones, beginning of a new year, crises and special days. So it is with Father’s Day, for me, this year.
Perhaps it is because we have just come off a wonderful vacation that included my two children. Perhaps it is just this arbitrary day on the calendar: “Father’s Day.” But, my thoughts came around to a few of the things that matter most to me.
I have some goals and hopes and dreams that are beyond my immediate family. And, I think about those quite a bit and endeavor to live my life and use my gifts focused on some of those core values and goals. It’s part of my life each week.
But, in the old what-would-you-want-said-about-you-at-your-funeral deal, here’s what really matters: that my son and daughter can say that they respect me, that they have been a priority in my life, and they know without a shadow of doubt how much I love them; and, that Gail, my wife, can say the same thing.
What matters to me is how I live my life with integrity as a dad and husband. If that isn’t there, then the other goals and dreams lose their meaning.
On my anniversary I tend to focus more deeply on gratitude for the wife I have. On Father’s Day, I’m prompted to reflect, with gratitude, on how blessed I am with two wonderful children.
If Wade and Megan happen to read this, they might be embarrassed. Sorry…
On the recent trip we were fortunate to have had (for several reasons), I don’t hesitate to say, without question, the best part of the trip. It was the last night when we were all together before Wade, Megan and Aaron, her boyfriend, had to fly back to the U.S. We were at a hotel on the side of mountain in Southern Switzerland- Locarno. It overlooked a lake and the mountain next to it.
Instead of going out to dinner, the consensus was to buy some groceries and wine at the local store and sit out on the terrace for our meal. Good choice. Fantastic choice. For the next hours of daylight, sunset and then evening hours, we had a fabulous time enjoying the beauty, laughing, telling stories- a ton of family stories from our extended family that will get passed on, and enjoying each other.
As a dad, you couldn’t buy those things and times from me. Not for any price.
In gratitude this Father’s Day.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
The fall of "Christian" America??
The idea that we are in a post-Christian America or that the religious landscape has changed dramatically in America is not a new notion. It has been bantered about for quite some time. A recent article in Newsweek (cover story) by Jon Meacham, "The Decline and Fall of Christian America," has prompted reaction from various circles.
I want to say more about this in a future post(s), but I'll add this note for now:
I'm not alarmed. In fact, it could be a good thing to acknowledge: America is not a Christian nation.
It's important to distinguish "civil religion" (of any country- those values, stories, mores, etc. that link people together from a variety of faith traditions) and the "kingdom of God" (for followers of Jesus, this is our priority).
The church (followers of Jesus) was on the margins of society following Jesus and continued in that form for the first 300 years...and it had a powerful impact on society and grew tremendously.
A lot of fear will get tossed around in Christian circles with this idea ("what is happening to our nation??!!"). I do not live with fear regarding this. My goals, or the purpose for the church of which I help to lead (The Bridge), do not change.
Carry on.
(More later)
I want to say more about this in a future post(s), but I'll add this note for now:
I'm not alarmed. In fact, it could be a good thing to acknowledge: America is not a Christian nation.
It's important to distinguish "civil religion" (of any country- those values, stories, mores, etc. that link people together from a variety of faith traditions) and the "kingdom of God" (for followers of Jesus, this is our priority).
The church (followers of Jesus) was on the margins of society following Jesus and continued in that form for the first 300 years...and it had a powerful impact on society and grew tremendously.
A lot of fear will get tossed around in Christian circles with this idea ("what is happening to our nation??!!"). I do not live with fear regarding this. My goals, or the purpose for the church of which I help to lead (The Bridge), do not change.
Carry on.
(More later)
Spring, Cincinnati Reds and hope
The itch comes each spring. The baseball itch.
I've long given up the dream of setting foot on a major league field and playing in a major league game. My body aches thinking about it. The last time I played baseball (not softball, but baseball) was when I was 42 in an Over-30 yr old baseball league in Toledo. Holy cow, Harry Carey, those reflexes change drastically!
But, I still love spring and the opening of the season. Box scores when I open the Sports' section in the morning. Baseball Tonight on ESPN, catching some Reds' games with my son, going to Coors' Field and cheering on the Rockies (they still don't have the same status as the Reds yet), and living with hope.
My Reds are 4-4 as of today. Some say they are the "dark horse" this year. Optimism- they might do it this year! They might end up in last place...in the middle of the pack...or in 1st. Right now, it doesn't matter. This is the beginning of the season and anything can happen!
I've long given up the dream of setting foot on a major league field and playing in a major league game. My body aches thinking about it. The last time I played baseball (not softball, but baseball) was when I was 42 in an Over-30 yr old baseball league in Toledo. Holy cow, Harry Carey, those reflexes change drastically!
But, I still love spring and the opening of the season. Box scores when I open the Sports' section in the morning. Baseball Tonight on ESPN, catching some Reds' games with my son, going to Coors' Field and cheering on the Rockies (they still don't have the same status as the Reds yet), and living with hope.
My Reds are 4-4 as of today. Some say they are the "dark horse" this year. Optimism- they might do it this year! They might end up in last place...in the middle of the pack...or in 1st. Right now, it doesn't matter. This is the beginning of the season and anything can happen!
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