During Lent this year, I'm throwing out a question each week that I found from Frederick Buechner. I'm passing this on to our church community, The Bridge, with the encouragement to ponder, pray and even write about each week.
So, here's the question from this past week:
If you had to bet everything you have on whether there is a God or whether there isn’t, which side would get your money and why?
No fair using any "Sunday School" cliches if you grew up in that environment...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
What's the "self" you present to others- to the world?
I might as well say it up-front: what follows is not about self-absorption or the pursuit of self-knowledge as the end.
Now, with that being said, I want to think about this concept of the "false self" and the "true self." That can mean various things to different ones of us, and I'll say shortly how I am using it. I am going back to some "saints" and spiritual writers that I was introduced to many years ago, and two of these, in particular, have had massive impact on the spiritual landscape in the last century: Thomas Merton and Henri Nouwen.
In a short book by a Jesuit, James Martin, the focus was on these two men who have had such major impact, and I was prompted by this idea of false and true selves. The false self, as I'm using it here is the self we want to present to the world. It may come from what we others think we are, or should be. It might come from expectations of others. Or, it can come from something we may want to be or someone else we may want to be. But, it ain't me!
I've been a preacher for almost all of my adult years. (Actually, how I normally identify my role is as a pastor and part of that role is preacher, but that's another story.) I'll bet there isn't a preacher around who hasn't thought-whether they said it or kept it to themselves: "I wish I could preach like ____________. Maybe, if I work at it and mimic some of his/her preaching style, I could preach nearly like __________."
False-self confession: I heard Walter Wangerin (you may not know him but he's a wordsmith and gifted communicator) speak at a conference, and that's just what I tried to do for a time: preach like Walter. That was short-lived and that was a joke! I'm not Wangerin; I can't preach like Wangerin. Further, I shouldn't try to preach like him, as it just isn't me, besides the fact that I don't have those innate gifts he has.
This false self gets played out in things like this, but also in all kinds of other ways related to what we want to convey to others- to the world.
On the other hand, and the search we ought to be on, is living out our true self. It's more than a cheesy quip: to be who we are. To be the person God crafted us to be. To let go of trying to be anybody else, or to pursue a false trek just because society/culture/family has defined what "success" looks like, or what one should be.
And, the point of this is not to end up navel-gazing. As Martin commented on both Merton and Nouwen, with respect to this process of self-examination, he said "...it was not simply a narcissistic quest for self-knowledge. Rather, it was a discipline undertaken to allow them to become more loving and more centered on God." That's part of the point: to love- love God and love others, and not end up absorbed in the self with little ability to love others.
I'm drawn to listen to the Merton's and Nouwen's of the world, both modern and ancient. I'm inspired, not by some flawless folks (far from it!), but by those seeking to live authentic lives (true self) in our families, friendships, on the job, among the poor, seeking justice, pursuing peace.
This life-long journey for authenticity is anything but a quest for self-knowledge and then stopping there. It is to live and love more fully!
Now, with that being said, I want to think about this concept of the "false self" and the "true self." That can mean various things to different ones of us, and I'll say shortly how I am using it. I am going back to some "saints" and spiritual writers that I was introduced to many years ago, and two of these, in particular, have had massive impact on the spiritual landscape in the last century: Thomas Merton and Henri Nouwen.
In a short book by a Jesuit, James Martin, the focus was on these two men who have had such major impact, and I was prompted by this idea of false and true selves. The false self, as I'm using it here is the self we want to present to the world. It may come from what we others think we are, or should be. It might come from expectations of others. Or, it can come from something we may want to be or someone else we may want to be. But, it ain't me!
I've been a preacher for almost all of my adult years. (Actually, how I normally identify my role is as a pastor and part of that role is preacher, but that's another story.) I'll bet there isn't a preacher around who hasn't thought-whether they said it or kept it to themselves: "I wish I could preach like ____________. Maybe, if I work at it and mimic some of his/her preaching style, I could preach nearly like __________."
False-self confession: I heard Walter Wangerin (you may not know him but he's a wordsmith and gifted communicator) speak at a conference, and that's just what I tried to do for a time: preach like Walter. That was short-lived and that was a joke! I'm not Wangerin; I can't preach like Wangerin. Further, I shouldn't try to preach like him, as it just isn't me, besides the fact that I don't have those innate gifts he has.
This false self gets played out in things like this, but also in all kinds of other ways related to what we want to convey to others- to the world.
On the other hand, and the search we ought to be on, is living out our true self. It's more than a cheesy quip: to be who we are. To be the person God crafted us to be. To let go of trying to be anybody else, or to pursue a false trek just because society/culture/family has defined what "success" looks like, or what one should be.
And, the point of this is not to end up navel-gazing. As Martin commented on both Merton and Nouwen, with respect to this process of self-examination, he said "...it was not simply a narcissistic quest for self-knowledge. Rather, it was a discipline undertaken to allow them to become more loving and more centered on God." That's part of the point: to love- love God and love others, and not end up absorbed in the self with little ability to love others.
I'm drawn to listen to the Merton's and Nouwen's of the world, both modern and ancient. I'm inspired, not by some flawless folks (far from it!), but by those seeking to live authentic lives (true self) in our families, friendships, on the job, among the poor, seeking justice, pursuing peace.
This life-long journey for authenticity is anything but a quest for self-knowledge and then stopping there. It is to live and love more fully!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
The enemies of "oughts" and "ifs"
It's been awhile- a long while-since I stepped inside a "Christian" bookstore. I don't tend to find the books that I'm interested reading in that spot. And, there are plaques and posters with pithy sayings, like: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift- that's why they call it the present." I think I'll pass on the mug.
You can find this stuff at Hallmark stores, thrift stores, and, somewhere in Boulder, there has to be a store with these trinkets. Not just Christian bookstores. One of the quips, whether it is a ditty on a Hallmark card or in some self-help book or in a conversation, is that living in the present moment is what we aim for. Not in the past or in the future, but now. Here and now.
"Here and now." Ahh, that's the title of a book I just finished. By the late Henri Nouwen. This idea of living fully in the present is not a new concept, and it sounds rather simple; it's not a complex idea. It's not like some of my college philosophy textbooks where, after reading the same page five times, I was still scratching my head! But, just because it is a simple notion doesn't mean it is easy to live this out in my life. Far from it.
Here's the way Nouwen put it, "The real enemies of our life are the 'oughts' and the 'ifs.' They pull us backward into the unalterable past and forward into the unpredictable future." (p.18) I messed up and ought to have done it differently. Or, I had an opportunity to take positive action and I didn't; I should have. The other end is the enemy of the "what if." What if I never get married? What if the economy doesn't clear up and I can never get a job with security? What if something happens to my health?
Now, there is a positive dimension to looking into our past and learning from either mistakes (or, I'll use the "sin" word) or hurtful experiences, and taking time to consider goals, dreams or visions for one's future. That is quite different from the "oughts" and "ifs."
I'm inclined to think we gravitate, for any number of reasons, more toward the "ought" or "if" side. The catch, if it toward the "oughts," is the drain of guilt. If you are prone to the "what ifs," you will get snagged with anxiety or worry. I land on the side of the "ifs" when I am not operating out of living in the present.
What is it for you? "Oughts"- and then, guilt? Or, "ifs"- and then, anxiety?
What I hear in Jesus' words, and see in his life, and the good news of the Kingdom he came announcing, is clearly about the present. "The Kingdom is here among you!" Enter this abundant life- now! Love God. Love others. Share your life, especially, with the poor, outsider, broken, and people who are marginalized.
It is far too simplistic to suggest that we can always live in the present, and avoid the "oughts" and "ifs," and the corresponding and crippling guilt or worry. But, it is realistic to propose that we can live more and more in the present, rather than focused on the past or future.
I need reminders; that's why I read such books. Why I read scripture daily. That's why community is important for me.
Here and Now. Good reminder. Let's keep reminding each- both in words and action.
Anyone have a pithy slogan for this to put on a plaque, mug and t-shirt?... No; forget it.
You can find this stuff at Hallmark stores, thrift stores, and, somewhere in Boulder, there has to be a store with these trinkets. Not just Christian bookstores. One of the quips, whether it is a ditty on a Hallmark card or in some self-help book or in a conversation, is that living in the present moment is what we aim for. Not in the past or in the future, but now. Here and now.
"Here and now." Ahh, that's the title of a book I just finished. By the late Henri Nouwen. This idea of living fully in the present is not a new concept, and it sounds rather simple; it's not a complex idea. It's not like some of my college philosophy textbooks where, after reading the same page five times, I was still scratching my head! But, just because it is a simple notion doesn't mean it is easy to live this out in my life. Far from it.
Here's the way Nouwen put it, "The real enemies of our life are the 'oughts' and the 'ifs.' They pull us backward into the unalterable past and forward into the unpredictable future." (p.18) I messed up and ought to have done it differently. Or, I had an opportunity to take positive action and I didn't; I should have. The other end is the enemy of the "what if." What if I never get married? What if the economy doesn't clear up and I can never get a job with security? What if something happens to my health?
Now, there is a positive dimension to looking into our past and learning from either mistakes (or, I'll use the "sin" word) or hurtful experiences, and taking time to consider goals, dreams or visions for one's future. That is quite different from the "oughts" and "ifs."
I'm inclined to think we gravitate, for any number of reasons, more toward the "ought" or "if" side. The catch, if it toward the "oughts," is the drain of guilt. If you are prone to the "what ifs," you will get snagged with anxiety or worry. I land on the side of the "ifs" when I am not operating out of living in the present.
What is it for you? "Oughts"- and then, guilt? Or, "ifs"- and then, anxiety?
What I hear in Jesus' words, and see in his life, and the good news of the Kingdom he came announcing, is clearly about the present. "The Kingdom is here among you!" Enter this abundant life- now! Love God. Love others. Share your life, especially, with the poor, outsider, broken, and people who are marginalized.
It is far too simplistic to suggest that we can always live in the present, and avoid the "oughts" and "ifs," and the corresponding and crippling guilt or worry. But, it is realistic to propose that we can live more and more in the present, rather than focused on the past or future.
I need reminders; that's why I read such books. Why I read scripture daily. That's why community is important for me.
Here and Now. Good reminder. Let's keep reminding each- both in words and action.
Anyone have a pithy slogan for this to put on a plaque, mug and t-shirt?... No; forget it.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Focus outward even builds community- I saw it this week
I experienced community when the clothing closet was open on Tuesday night. I'll explain in a minute....
If the sole purpose, or the primary purpose, of a church is to preserve or save itself, it will not be fully alive. Further, if it is absorbed in seeking to build community, the irony is that it will not have community at a deeper level. It's one of those Kingdom "reversals."
Two things I read early this morning stated this very thing. Frederick Buechner explains it this way, "To journey for the sake of saving our own lives is little by little to cease to live in any sense that really matters, even to ourselves, because it is only journeying for the world's sake- even when the world bores and sickens and scares you half to death- that little by little we start to come alive" (p. 22, Listening to Your Life).
The community-building piece came in a note by Henri Nouwen about caring together for others in his meditation on dying and caring in Our Greatest Gift, "I have always been impressed with the thought that people are only ready to commit themselves to each other when they no longer focus on each other but rather focus together on the larger world beyond themselves." (p. 64)
I hear the longing for community continually. It is something that is important for our community- our church- The Bridge. To love, know and be known, laugh, build relationships. We were not meant to walk through life in the type of individualism that has been prominent in much of Western culture.
So, saying this on the positive side of the equation: when we see the world beyond ourselves, when we engage together for the world's sake, and when we care together for others, especially the poor and marginalized, community is built at new levels. We are more fully alive!
I can point to that very thing on Tuesday night. There are all kinds of stories out there that would tell a similar story, but here is a recent one. Simple. Nothing fancy....
Tuesday nights: our church is staffing a clothing closet on Tuesday nights, and we are in the process of organizing and expanding this service. There's a warm meal each Tuesday night for 75-100 homeless, or near homeless, folks at the church building we rent, and then a clothing closet is open after the meal for about an hour. Six of us were there this past week to not only help find a pair of jeans, coat, socks, underwear, soap, razor, or other items for those lining up in the basement. But, we also chat and joke with, listen to and begin to learn the names of the "regulars."
It's dangerous to try and speak for others, but I'll risk it. I think the six of us felt a bit more "alive" that night chatting with someone who needs a tube of toothpaste. Some of our own personal struggles might be put into perspective. Our world gets expanded another notch. We move a tiny step further away from the illusion that the world is about "me."
And, community was being built, and it was from the very act of caring about others, and engaging in the world beyond ourselves. Laughing with George and his puns. Knowing that the same older guy always asks for a bar of soap "because I don't want to be stinky!" Getting in on two guys ribbing each other. Hearing a slice of the stories (each one of our stories matter!) of those who come each week.
Another layer of community was built on Tuesday night as a result of caring together, for the world's sake.
Funny, and fun, how that works.
If the sole purpose, or the primary purpose, of a church is to preserve or save itself, it will not be fully alive. Further, if it is absorbed in seeking to build community, the irony is that it will not have community at a deeper level. It's one of those Kingdom "reversals."
Two things I read early this morning stated this very thing. Frederick Buechner explains it this way, "To journey for the sake of saving our own lives is little by little to cease to live in any sense that really matters, even to ourselves, because it is only journeying for the world's sake- even when the world bores and sickens and scares you half to death- that little by little we start to come alive" (p. 22, Listening to Your Life).
The community-building piece came in a note by Henri Nouwen about caring together for others in his meditation on dying and caring in Our Greatest Gift, "I have always been impressed with the thought that people are only ready to commit themselves to each other when they no longer focus on each other but rather focus together on the larger world beyond themselves." (p. 64)
I hear the longing for community continually. It is something that is important for our community- our church- The Bridge. To love, know and be known, laugh, build relationships. We were not meant to walk through life in the type of individualism that has been prominent in much of Western culture.
So, saying this on the positive side of the equation: when we see the world beyond ourselves, when we engage together for the world's sake, and when we care together for others, especially the poor and marginalized, community is built at new levels. We are more fully alive!
I can point to that very thing on Tuesday night. There are all kinds of stories out there that would tell a similar story, but here is a recent one. Simple. Nothing fancy....
Tuesday nights: our church is staffing a clothing closet on Tuesday nights, and we are in the process of organizing and expanding this service. There's a warm meal each Tuesday night for 75-100 homeless, or near homeless, folks at the church building we rent, and then a clothing closet is open after the meal for about an hour. Six of us were there this past week to not only help find a pair of jeans, coat, socks, underwear, soap, razor, or other items for those lining up in the basement. But, we also chat and joke with, listen to and begin to learn the names of the "regulars."
It's dangerous to try and speak for others, but I'll risk it. I think the six of us felt a bit more "alive" that night chatting with someone who needs a tube of toothpaste. Some of our own personal struggles might be put into perspective. Our world gets expanded another notch. We move a tiny step further away from the illusion that the world is about "me."
And, community was being built, and it was from the very act of caring about others, and engaging in the world beyond ourselves. Laughing with George and his puns. Knowing that the same older guy always asks for a bar of soap "because I don't want to be stinky!" Getting in on two guys ribbing each other. Hearing a slice of the stories (each one of our stories matter!) of those who come each week.
Another layer of community was built on Tuesday night as a result of caring together, for the world's sake.
Funny, and fun, how that works.
Friday, January 22, 2010
My Haitian brothers and sisters...
All kinds of crazy things get said, and done, that are associated with religion, including Christianity. If we spent our time focusing on those statements or actions, we would become immobilized in many ways. And while it is sometimes appropriate, and important, to say what one is against, the main focus is: what are you for?
But, there are times when I feel compelled to say, "No; I don't believe this. No; this is not connected in any way to our faith as followers of Jesus." In the midst of the unimaginable suffering in Haiti brought on by the devastating earthquake, and when our hearts break staring at death and the weeping, Pat Robertson of the 700 Club, states this:
The Haitians "swore a pact with the devil...ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another."
In some ways, it doesn't deserve comment. You just want to say: enough said. But, this is one of those times I don't want to sit on the sidelines. There is so much out there that goes under the umbrella of "Christianity" that it makes it difficult for many to even be compelled by orthodox, Christian faith. So, I want to say in this case: there are many of us out there that will categorically deny and disassociate ourselves from this comment and all that is implied in it. Many of us, as followers of Jesus, will say- this has nothing to do with our faith.
I will not judge the person or the faith of a person. But I will disassociate myself from this.
Perhaps another reason I don't want to stand on the sidelines is because of the way this tragedy, so close to our shores, has torn our hearts open. So, instead of this type of statement, we will pray and act. We will say: God stands with the poor and the suffering. We will join others- anyone!- to help bring immediate relief and support long-term efforts toward healing in Haiti. We will put together relief kits, send money, and support short-term and long-term personnel to help with recovery.
I am coming off a leadership week and conference at the seminary I graduated from, and the speaker, Greg Boyd, called us to be churches- communities who follow Jesus, to manifest and embody the self-sacrificial, servant love of Jesus that seeks to love all people. That is first, local- people in our communities and cities. But, it is also global. Denver and Haiti, in my case.
Stuff happens. Really bad stuff. This side of the reconciliation of all things in the "new heavens and the new earth," we will not be able to rationally and logically explain evil and suffering in some complete fashion. But, this earthquake is not because of a pact with the devil or a curse. My Haitian friends, please here us on that.
Have mercy on all of us.
And, we go to work for the Kingdom in Denver, Haiti, and ....
But, there are times when I feel compelled to say, "No; I don't believe this. No; this is not connected in any way to our faith as followers of Jesus." In the midst of the unimaginable suffering in Haiti brought on by the devastating earthquake, and when our hearts break staring at death and the weeping, Pat Robertson of the 700 Club, states this:
The Haitians "swore a pact with the devil...ever since they have been cursed by one thing after another."
In some ways, it doesn't deserve comment. You just want to say: enough said. But, this is one of those times I don't want to sit on the sidelines. There is so much out there that goes under the umbrella of "Christianity" that it makes it difficult for many to even be compelled by orthodox, Christian faith. So, I want to say in this case: there are many of us out there that will categorically deny and disassociate ourselves from this comment and all that is implied in it. Many of us, as followers of Jesus, will say- this has nothing to do with our faith.
I will not judge the person or the faith of a person. But I will disassociate myself from this.
Perhaps another reason I don't want to stand on the sidelines is because of the way this tragedy, so close to our shores, has torn our hearts open. So, instead of this type of statement, we will pray and act. We will say: God stands with the poor and the suffering. We will join others- anyone!- to help bring immediate relief and support long-term efforts toward healing in Haiti. We will put together relief kits, send money, and support short-term and long-term personnel to help with recovery.
I am coming off a leadership week and conference at the seminary I graduated from, and the speaker, Greg Boyd, called us to be churches- communities who follow Jesus, to manifest and embody the self-sacrificial, servant love of Jesus that seeks to love all people. That is first, local- people in our communities and cities. But, it is also global. Denver and Haiti, in my case.
Stuff happens. Really bad stuff. This side of the reconciliation of all things in the "new heavens and the new earth," we will not be able to rationally and logically explain evil and suffering in some complete fashion. But, this earthquake is not because of a pact with the devil or a curse. My Haitian friends, please here us on that.
Have mercy on all of us.
And, we go to work for the Kingdom in Denver, Haiti, and ....
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Our own flesh suffering in Haiti today
Haiti, an already desparate, small country, is now faced with a multitude of suffering following the earthquake yesterday. This is not my city, my state, my country. Those suffering are not my family members...
But wait. Oh, it IS my family. MY kin.
Walter Brueggeman pointed out that the noun used to describe the oppressed, poor, hungry, naked- those on the margins and those suffering- in the prophetic call in Isaiah 58:7 is the word "kin" (NRSV). The Hebrew word for "your own flesh." So, our hearts, and support for all the efforts to share with our global family, go out to "our own flesh" in Haiti.
I'm glad Mennonite Central Committee, the Red Cross, and a host of organizations will respond quickly to aid our brothers and our sisters.
This Franciscan Prayer of Blessing, that Esther Malwitz cited today, is one I copy here:
May God bless us with discomfort at easy answers,
half-truths and superficial relationships,
so that we will live deeply in our hearts.
May God bless us with anger at injustice, oppression
and exploitation of people and the earth,
so that we will work for justice, equity and peace.
May God bless us with tears to shed for those who suffer,
so that we will reach out our hands
to comfort them and change their pain to joy.
And may God bless us with the foolishness to think that
we can make a difference in our world,
so that we will do the things which others say cannot be done.
But wait. Oh, it IS my family. MY kin.
Walter Brueggeman pointed out that the noun used to describe the oppressed, poor, hungry, naked- those on the margins and those suffering- in the prophetic call in Isaiah 58:7 is the word "kin" (NRSV). The Hebrew word for "your own flesh." So, our hearts, and support for all the efforts to share with our global family, go out to "our own flesh" in Haiti.
I'm glad Mennonite Central Committee, the Red Cross, and a host of organizations will respond quickly to aid our brothers and our sisters.
This Franciscan Prayer of Blessing, that Esther Malwitz cited today, is one I copy here:
May God bless us with discomfort at easy answers,
half-truths and superficial relationships,
so that we will live deeply in our hearts.
May God bless us with anger at injustice, oppression
and exploitation of people and the earth,
so that we will work for justice, equity and peace.
May God bless us with tears to shed for those who suffer,
so that we will reach out our hands
to comfort them and change their pain to joy.
And may God bless us with the foolishness to think that
we can make a difference in our world,
so that we will do the things which others say cannot be done.
Friday, January 8, 2010
My friend has cancer
My friend has cancer. It's hard to let those words roll out. But, that's what I heard yesterday.
Maybe it is harder, still, due to the scare we had July 23. As Gail was taken to the ER for some physical symptoms, and after a series of CT scans and MRI's, with Gail on the ER bed and with me by her side we hear the words- cold, blunt: "I'm nearly certain you have a malignant brain tumor and it is likely inoperable." Our world falls apart. But, as I've written about, after a second opinion and a team of neurosurgeons, we are told it is unlikely that it is a malignant tumor. It may be something that has been there most of her life. No other symptoms to date.
For us, it is a much longer story. I'm grateful for each day of health and no symptoms for Gail. During that awful weekend, these close friends cried with me/us. We hurt; they hurt.
Now, just months later, I'm on the other end of the phone hearing, "I have cancer. They plan to start chemotherapy tomorrow..." (This is after a series of multiple tests over a period of weeks, and pathology reports coming back yesterday.) They hurt; I hurt. Oh, that is way too simplistic, for it is much deeper than "hurt."
The husband is a really close friend of mine- for 20 years. She, too. She is about to graduate from seminary and will now need to put that on hold this semester. They are gems. Quality.
So, here we go with the immediate and unanswerable question: "Why?" I have long left the theory behind when these things emerge that says, "God has a purpose in this. There's a reason for everything that happens." A purpose that people would suffer? A reason for someone to get really sick from intensive chemotherapy treatments? A purpose behind- as I've heard it from some who have gone through chemo- "I felt so sick that I just wanted to die?" A reason for someone who is actively loving God and loving others, and living in the way of Jesus- a reason that sometimes there are people like that whose lives come to a premature end in the fullness of life?
No, that doesn't work for me. That would make no sense. It is some of the very things I pondered, again, that weekend of July 23rd. Now, I know you can point me to volumes and volumes of those who have written about suffering, theodicy and how to make sense of evil in the world. I've read some of them. It is a question that will be pondered and debated, and more importantly, wrestled with at the deepest levels of our being forever.
I feel like I can merely scratch the surface when I muster up the statement, and enter the mystery, that God is God. Our finitude cannot grasp the fullness of this, and the tragic repercussions of evil. I concur with what Marva Dawn wrote recently about "...the fundamental dialectical truth that God is both good and almighty....If we begin with trust that God is both good and almighty, then we look elsewhere for the reasons behind suffering." (p. 22-23, In the Beginning, GOD). I believe that God is both good and almighty, even when I can't understand.
Here's the other thing: this morning- January 8, one day after hearing about my friend's pathology report on January 7- it was this morning, in my early time of prayer, that I open my daily guide with scripture and prayer and it begins: "I am the LORD who heals you."- Exodus 15:26 (NLT) Thomas Keating writes in the reflection, "Divine love has the power to grow and transform us." And the page ends with, "'I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the LORD."- Jeremiah 30:17 (NIV)
I won't even address the issue of the "coincidence" or whether this January 8 topic was "meant to be." What matters to me, is this concept of healing.
I understand the thought of "the LORD who heals." About 12 years ago, at a time of darkness and loss, when I wondered whether it would happen, I began the process of being healed. Over time. A long time. I know what this is talking about.
Right now, this is what I desire in this situation: healing. I can't even know what that will look like or how or when. But, I am praying- pleading- for healing. Healing for my friend from her cancer. Healing for her devoted husband and family. And, for me and all the others who love them.
So, healing it is. Through tears, and with hope, I will pray for healing.
Maybe it is harder, still, due to the scare we had July 23. As Gail was taken to the ER for some physical symptoms, and after a series of CT scans and MRI's, with Gail on the ER bed and with me by her side we hear the words- cold, blunt: "I'm nearly certain you have a malignant brain tumor and it is likely inoperable." Our world falls apart. But, as I've written about, after a second opinion and a team of neurosurgeons, we are told it is unlikely that it is a malignant tumor. It may be something that has been there most of her life. No other symptoms to date.
For us, it is a much longer story. I'm grateful for each day of health and no symptoms for Gail. During that awful weekend, these close friends cried with me/us. We hurt; they hurt.
Now, just months later, I'm on the other end of the phone hearing, "I have cancer. They plan to start chemotherapy tomorrow..." (This is after a series of multiple tests over a period of weeks, and pathology reports coming back yesterday.) They hurt; I hurt. Oh, that is way too simplistic, for it is much deeper than "hurt."
The husband is a really close friend of mine- for 20 years. She, too. She is about to graduate from seminary and will now need to put that on hold this semester. They are gems. Quality.
So, here we go with the immediate and unanswerable question: "Why?" I have long left the theory behind when these things emerge that says, "God has a purpose in this. There's a reason for everything that happens." A purpose that people would suffer? A reason for someone to get really sick from intensive chemotherapy treatments? A purpose behind- as I've heard it from some who have gone through chemo- "I felt so sick that I just wanted to die?" A reason for someone who is actively loving God and loving others, and living in the way of Jesus- a reason that sometimes there are people like that whose lives come to a premature end in the fullness of life?
No, that doesn't work for me. That would make no sense. It is some of the very things I pondered, again, that weekend of July 23rd. Now, I know you can point me to volumes and volumes of those who have written about suffering, theodicy and how to make sense of evil in the world. I've read some of them. It is a question that will be pondered and debated, and more importantly, wrestled with at the deepest levels of our being forever.
I feel like I can merely scratch the surface when I muster up the statement, and enter the mystery, that God is God. Our finitude cannot grasp the fullness of this, and the tragic repercussions of evil. I concur with what Marva Dawn wrote recently about "...the fundamental dialectical truth that God is both good and almighty....If we begin with trust that God is both good and almighty, then we look elsewhere for the reasons behind suffering." (p. 22-23, In the Beginning, GOD). I believe that God is both good and almighty, even when I can't understand.
Here's the other thing: this morning- January 8, one day after hearing about my friend's pathology report on January 7- it was this morning, in my early time of prayer, that I open my daily guide with scripture and prayer and it begins: "I am the LORD who heals you."- Exodus 15:26 (NLT) Thomas Keating writes in the reflection, "Divine love has the power to grow and transform us." And the page ends with, "'I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the LORD."- Jeremiah 30:17 (NIV)
I won't even address the issue of the "coincidence" or whether this January 8 topic was "meant to be." What matters to me, is this concept of healing.
I understand the thought of "the LORD who heals." About 12 years ago, at a time of darkness and loss, when I wondered whether it would happen, I began the process of being healed. Over time. A long time. I know what this is talking about.
Right now, this is what I desire in this situation: healing. I can't even know what that will look like or how or when. But, I am praying- pleading- for healing. Healing for my friend from her cancer. Healing for her devoted husband and family. And, for me and all the others who love them.
So, healing it is. Through tears, and with hope, I will pray for healing.
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